I just want to be found.

I'm going to think (and cry) about this for the next few weeks.

We are just human. Sometimes, we just want to make connections and find love. 

It's always better in my mind, but it's not real.

(lelove)

Change.

Before I go home or after I come back?

Every blade of grass has its angel who bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow."

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

(Picture is Ancient of Days. Excerpt from Auguries of Innocence. Both by William Blake (1757-1827))

Pretty wise?

I think they're pretty interesting.

For those that don't understand what they're rapping about and don't want to spend time watching the video over and over again and searching for answers, they're basically talking about this practice in South Africa among the Corza people (the black guy). What happens is when a boy comes of age, he is given a pair of underpants and a blanket and brought out to the bush. After a week, he is circumcised by the elders of his community, no painkillers and most importantly no disinfection. They rub some burnt ash to stop the bleeding and that's about it. After this, he becomes a man. The problem is a lot of these boys die from infection and apparently a good portion of those that don't, have functional issues with their penises. The whole video is basically saying fuck that, this is ridiculous, I'm not going to go through it.

I think the South African accent is interesting. It sounds nothing like the British accent when you're just leisurely browsing, but when you zone in on the words then you can identify some similarities. I also happen to think that the white mice outfit is pretty awesome.

Me so angry.

Protect your vital interests.

Don't engage in petty rivalries.

Pay close attention to what others do.

And watch what comes out of your mouth.

It sucks that it has come to this, but just yesterday, I realised that S will never be my friend. She has a lot of faults that I can't stand although I'm sure I've got a lot of faults that she can't stand as well. Besides my main issue with her being dismissive about other people's experiences and opinions and having a glorified perspective of her own achievements and sufferings, she's a hypocrite. S never truly cared about anyone. She may convince HM that she cares, she may even think she does care, but all that matters to her is herself. How she can boss more people around, how she can plot her climb to medical school, how she can construct this persona that fits her idea of perfection.

Understanding that wasn't hard.

Constantly reminding myself that she is such a person and I shouldn't let her behaviour affect me shouldn't be as well.

Navigating our tricky relationship so that HM and S would think that I'm friendly, sidestepping S's efforts to make me look bad in front of HM and W, and telling her to fuck off without actually saying fuck off would be harder. By letting her get to me and engaging in petty passive aggressive conversations is only making me look bad. I need to find a better way and no, talking is not an option.

but yields to purifying light.

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

(Picture by 3mm via ChaseDenham. Poem by William Ernest Henley.)

Since beginning-less time, darkness thrives in the void,

Apple chips for my soul. Along with US$3 Häagen Dazs ice cream and discounted drumsticks, they form the backbone of my comfort food and I do need a lot of comfort. I suspect some unconscious coping mechanism taking place, most likely a combination of repression and sublimation, trying to fill some void. Of what nature? I can't quite say.

The days are passing so quickly, but I haven't really done anything at all. What happened to the big plans at the start of the year? At the start of this trip?I feel so defeated.

I am so defeated.

The true heart can touch the poison of hatred without being harmed.

To ponder the value of humanity, of hope and fear, of flaws and strength, of soul and intellect, of losses and gains, and of damnation and redemption.

Great. The film was great and I'll recommend anyone who would listen and have the time to go watch it. I don't think the creator of the film was thinking about psychology when making the film, but it does reminds me of the Enneagram and the Enneatypes. It ties it in for me beyond the basic 9 archetypal characters. The one dominant personality for each burlap humanoid and the different facets in the manifestation of that personality corresponds to the 9 levels in each enneatype.

Digressing, I feel that we ourselves are our own great piece of work. We are, or should be, constantly working on our own consciousness, our own being and bringing to attention our own liabilities and contributions to our world. Not the world, because I don't see it as a singularity, more like a combination of differing realities that overlap. Though it's safe to say that somewhere, out there, there must be one absolute Truth. Our limitations affect how we perceive it, affecting our own reality. It seems to me, that the goal of this game, then, is to be acutely aware of ourselves and yet transcend beyond ourselves to discover that Truth.

Anyway, my favourite quotes from the movie were from 1 and the Scientist.

1: They've left us nothing. Nothing. Why do we have to right their wrongs? Sometimes a sacrifice must be made.

Scientist: We had such potential. Such promise. But we squandered our gifts... Our world is ending, but life must go on.

Also, if you're interested, here's the Scientist's Facebook page where you can learn more about the characters and have a bit of the backstory.

The true mind can weather all lies and illusions without being lost.

So, 6 more days before I leave for the US. There's so much to prepare for and so much to pack that I am completely overwhelmed. I don't even have my luggage yet! This huge quarrel I just had with Mum makes everything that much worse. The thought of 26 hours of flight makes me slightly nervous. I love flying but 26 h-o-u-r-s is a freaking long time. Maybe even too long. What sort of reading material should I bring? What else should I do besides reading? I should also add that my mind has completely lost any prioritizing ability. It just darts from one worrying thought to another for the whole day.

PLANE! DON'T FORGET THE CHARGER! WHAT IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE PERSON WAITING FOR YOU AT JFK?! CONTINGENCY PLANS! WILL THE CUSTOMS CONFISCATE MY SALTED VEGETABLE? REMEMBER TESTING AND CLASS REGISTRATION! PANADOLS! HANDIPLAST! GET NON-STICK RICE COOKER! ASK ABOUT THE HONOURS PROGRAM!! GET A HAIRCUT! I WILL FREEZE MY BUTT OFF BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLOTHES! GET CLOTHES! TOO FAT! DIET FIRST! PACK YOUR CALCULATOR NOW!

Yup, something like that. All. Day. Long.

Continual efforts are a prerequisite to success.

I guess it's time. 2009 was my last teen year and I wasted it on boring procrastination. Now it's gone and I'm turning 20 in a few more months. Then 21 in a year and another few more months. If 19 was supposed to be sad goodbyes and 21 a celebration, then what is 20? The lost year? Second puberty?

Anyway, my keywords for me this year are mastery and improvement.

Mastery over my present self, in thoughts and in deeds. To control my urges and channel my efforts into something worthy and hopefully, lasting.

Improvements or rather the foundations of improvements for my future self. As is said in Romans 12:2: " Do not conform to this world any longer, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

I'm ready for my transformation now (:

A little reminder for me to stay on track.